NASCAR Bans Ovals

HUGE. MASSIVE. NASCAR has just made a stunning move to increase the popularity of the series as a whole.

Many race fans think NASCAR is bullshit racing. There I said it. It’s no secret that driving around in circles is not what most Formula 1 or GT3 fans enjoy. Thought driving at 180-200 MPH with 1″ of room between 5-6 cars is considered boring by most, I personally think it’s pretty damn exciting. Apparently NASCAR disagrees with me.

In what can only be described as the most shocking turn of events in motorsports history, NASCAR has officially banned ovals from the series. Wow.

Here’s the in no way fabricated statement from Brian France:

Today we usher in a new era in NASCAR history. Road courses will be the only courses from now on. Gone are the days when simply turning left was the only option. Gone are the days when racing in packs at breakneck speeds were the norm. Gone is the annoying tennis-match-rubbernecking that fans had to do when their favorite driver zipped by every 20-40 seconds. Ovals are boring, super totally lame, and are hereby banned from NASCAR racing henceforth. We believe this, coupled with the new stage racing that makes total sense and is universally loved by all, will make NASCAR the greatest racing series on the planet.

No word yet on the fates of Pocono, Daytona, Talladega, Chicagoland, Kansas Speedway, Kentucky Speedway, and Las Vegas Motor Speedway as when asked about them, France said, “Oh, those stupid fucking triangles? Pshhhh…” then proceeded to spike a beer can and walk off.

I’m not sure this is a good move for NASCAR though. Seeing cars go 190+, three wide, deep into turn 1/2/3/4 is pretty exciting. The drivers seems to have a mixed bag of reactions. Here are a few we overheard while listening from around the corner in the media center:

Matt Kenseth: I mean I got really tired of having to turn right while trying to walk straight all these years. All the left hand turns really imbalanced my inner ear. I like this change

Joey Logano: I didn’t mind them [ovals]. These old guys couldn’t keep upwith the new quickness! HOOAHHH! That’s my new catch phrase, mandated by NASCAR, you like it?

Austin Dillon: I don’t care where I race, my family has enough money to pay for me to turn any direction I damn well please.

Jimmy Johnson: Well there goes championship number eight. Might as well give it to Marcos Ambrose and save ourselves the time.

Elliot Sadler: I’m still here.

There’s also been talk of just straight line racing with pit stops along the way. NASCAR could build a 500 mile long drag strip and see if they can line it with fans the whole way. We like it.

(Source: Days Of Thunder VHS Box Set Sleeve)


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